If she doesn't leave, she must like it

I hear this all the time and it makes me sick. Who would like to be terrorized in their own home, afraid of breaking one of the rules that are subject to change at any moment? Years ago, when I was in college, I learned that people blame the victim because they are afraid the same thing might happen to them.

Finding something the victim could have done or said that they would never do or say makes it easier for someone to believe they would never be in that situation. This explains why women are often the leaders in the victim blaming game when it comes to sexual assault and domestic violence. If a rape victim was wearing something that you would never wear or out alone in an area you would never be in, you can sleep well at night knowing you are safe.

The problem is, rape isn't about what a woman is wearing. Surely the 90-year-old ladies who are raped at night in their homes aren't wearing sexy pajamas. They are simply vulnerable and that's all the abuser needs in a victim. In some way, we are all vulnerable. A savvy abuser can find that vulnerability and instead of being supportive, he will try to use it against you.

Of course, women are able to leave abusive men and they tend to be successful if they do it early enough. However, the longer a woman stays, the harder it is to get him to leave. It is important to recognize the early signs of abuse, including unreasonable jealousy and control over where you go, so you can nip the relationship in the bud. Staying in the relationship doesn't mean you like to be abused. It merely means you are doing what you have to do to survive.