If she doesn't leave, she must like it

I hear this all the time and it makes me sick. Who would like to be terrorized in their own home, afraid of breaking one of the rules that are subject to change at any moment? Years ago, when I was in college, I learned that people blame the victim because they are afraid the same thing might happen to them.

Finding something the victim could have done or said that they would never do or say makes it easier for someone to believe they would never be in that situation. This explains why women are often the leaders in the victim blaming game when it comes to sexual assault and domestic violence. If a rape victim was wearing something that you would never wear or out alone in an area you would never be in, you can sleep well at night knowing you are safe.

The problem is, rape isn't about what a woman is wearing. Surely the 90-year-old ladies who are raped at night in their homes aren't wearing sexy pajamas. They are simply vulnerable and that's all the abuser needs in a victim. In some way, we are all vulnerable. A savvy abuser can find that vulnerability and instead of being supportive, he will try to use it against you.

Of course, women are able to leave abusive men and they tend to be successful if they do it early enough. However, the longer a woman stays, the harder it is to get him to leave. It is important to recognize the early signs of abuse, including unreasonable jealousy and control over where you go, so you can nip the relationship in the bud. Staying in the relationship doesn't mean you like to be abused. It merely means you are doing what you have to do to survive.

If he commits a crime against her, why should she have to leave?

One of the most common questions people ask when they learn a woman has been a victim of domestic violence is "Why doesn't she leave him?" Of course, there are many reasons women don't run away from violent relationships. Fear of being murdered if she manages to escape, financial dependence, survival, etc. are all on the list. We could name reasons women stay all day. I wonder, though, why no one asks why HE doesn't leave.

When HE commits a crime against her, HE should have to go. Unfortunately, the criminal justice system isn't designed to protect women. If an abuser gets arrested, he doesn't stay in jail long. Since his victim knows he'll be getting out, it's beneficial to her to keep in contact with him while he's in jail and even "forget" about court hearings where she is supposed to testify against him.

Why is it that victims of intimate partner violence are shamed while victims of other crimes are not? No one asks why hostages don't just leave. Surely a group of hostages could overtake a single guy with a gun. At least one of them could sneak out while their captor is occupied talking to the negotiators. If they stay, they must like it, right? What if the scene of the crime was their place of employment? Are they stupid if they go back to work the next day, knowing another criminal could walk in and attack them?

The criminal justice system doesn't treat robbery hostages that way. District Attorneys will do everything they can to prosecute, whether or not the victim testifies. Victims may even get special protection from their attacker until and maybe after the trial to ensure they don't face retaliation for their testimony. Domestic violence victims have shelters they can stay in for a maximum of a few weeks. A woman can take her kids but shelters just don't have room for a lot of personal items so she'll probably lose everything she owns.

I challenge you to think of another crime where it costs the victim so much to prevent future victimization.